How therapy changed my life

From an early age, I knew I wanted to work in the field of psychology. I was obsessed with shows like Criminal Minds and had a knack for learning and understanding things and people. I love to analyze, pick everything apart, and come up with solutions. It comes naturally to me. I hadn't realized it was a talent. A gift. Watching psycho thriller TV shows was not only entertaining for me as I excitedly went on a journey with the characters as they solved the cases and psychoanalyzed the perpetrators, but it ignited a passion within me. A desire to help others and make the world better. My early life set the tone for this as well as I spent a great amount of time in solitude and experienced my fair share of traumatic experiences. I yearned to understand myself, others and life. I'd always been the person to lend a listening ear to a friend, offer support and come up with ways to help people navigate through life's difficulties. This again was second nature to me and I wasn't really aware of the fact that I made an impact on people.

My interest in psychology led me to major in the field once I got to college. I absolutely loved the experience. Classes centered on the subject didn't feel like work at all. I felt at home. My professors made me realize just how fitting my area of interest was as a career and I had no idea that it would lead me to where I am today. I get to help people with their mental health on a daily basis. Not only in my career, but in my personal life as well. Everything feels so intertwined. I guess I now understand what it means to actually live out your dreams. I get to be a part of others' journeys as I offer a safe space for them to express themselves and work with them to find the best way to approach the issues they're facing. It brings me a sense of pride, joy and gratitude knowing that I've played a role in someone's story in that way.

Little did I know, that one day I would be on the receiving end of this dynamic. As I was making plans to study and work in the field of psychology, it hadn't crossed my mind to actually get help with my mental health. I always handled things on my own and fought to get through the bad days by accomplishing my goals and relying on coping mechanisms that I didn't realize I'd developed. Finding ways to stay out of the house, being dependent on relationships I formed, unhealthy or not, sleeping, keeping my emotions and problems bottled in, being strong for others, being dependable, being nice, putting my needs on the back burner, staying positive, and turning my pain into a joke. Like anything built on a faulty foundation, these things eventually gave way and I found myself in desperate need of the support I freely offered to those around me.

I got to a point where I was so fragile and barely keeping it together. I had fought to make it through detrimental experiences in my life, however I felt like an anxious wreck, back at square one. I was so guarded and scared to be completely open and vulnerable. I was carrying shame, fear, guilt, embarrassment, trauma, and heaviness from my experiences along with being so happy I escaped darkness, that I didn't want to re-live any moment that I miraculously made it through. I preferred to keep everything in and move on with the life I had left to live. Of course, that wasn't realistic. That's not how healing works. We can't magically patch things up and hope everything just goes away without addressing what we've gone through and what led us to that point in our lives. Not only that, I couldn't advocate for something I hadn't actually experienced for myself. However, once I decided to bravely take on the journey and commit to what I now know is scary, hard, and exhausting work, I was blessed to meet someone who changed my life forever.

In January of 2024, I met my therapist. I've just come up on 2 years of being in therapy which is ironic when I think about it as I create this blog entry. Looking back, I can honestly say I am a completely different person than when I first embarked on my healing journey. I'm more open, honest, brave, vulnerable, confident, proud and less afraid to face my shadows and the dark parts of the human experience. I can attribute a large part of this to my therapist meeting me exactly where I was and giving me exactly what I needed at that time. A safe space, honesty, realness, genuine care and concern, no judgment, understanding, wisdom, knowledge, faith, comfort, and seeing me and my pain. This makes me think of something I said to another important person in my life: "We are lucky to experience this type of bond with maybe 1 to 3 people in this lifetime." I'm blessed that I've been able to receive someone to walk along this journey with as I face and navigate some of the hardest and most burdening parts of my life. Someone who goes the extra mile and speaks when I don't have the words, makes me laugh in the midst of tough times and conversations, reminds me of my power and how far I've come, all while inspiring me to become a better version of myself everyday.

I don't know where I would be if I hadn't sent that email back in 2023. Probably still a shell of myself, holding on by a thread. Not knowing my full potential. Letting my fears lead. Staying in my comfort zone. Operating out of pride and pain. The good thing for me is that I don't have to live in what ifs. Just like 2 years ago, I now face my fears head on. Scared, trembling, second guessing and all. Life is too short and full of too many unexpected surprises to play it "safe." So, If I had any advice for anyone on the fence about starting therapy, I would tell them that whether they decide to take the step or not, life will continue on, but the type of life they live will be dependent upon them choosing to remain mundane or deciding to face their misplaced fear of change and facing themselves so they can actually live a life they enjoy and not just tolerate.

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